No Ghosts Left To Haunt You

It's the ones that don't speak up that are drowning the fastest. The ones that bury their monsters and hide behind a mask of okayness that have the most shocking secrets. Because to admit something to someone, is to make it definite, to affirm they have a monster, a problem. such an affirmation only makes the anchor dragging them deeper into the blue heavier, but there's the chance that people can help. Slim chance though, because those people are too busy worrying about the braver ones that admit to their problems. Brave or stupid? We can't really judge, but while they get all the unwanted or wanted attention they deserve other suffer quietly. Are they the brave ones? Running into their internal battles alone? It's a crazy double edged sword as some teacher put it, something to which there is no sole cure, or any cure at all.

You Never Said Goodbye

Goodbye is a funny thing. Something that we avoid saying- despite whether or not it is something we desperately want to say. It can both open doors, and close them, or both. The consequences of saying goodbye are unknown, which scares us, so we don't say goodbye. Saying goodbye to people is something no one likes doing; it can hurt both us and those we say goodbye to. So instead of confronting that monster, we drift apart from people which is usually more painful that ending something definitely. Goodbye is definitive, drifting away leaves people in a grey area which is filled with doubt and insecurities.

did we make it through the rain?

cigarette smoke
drifting out the window
blocking out the night
like our words
hiding the truth
maybe out of fright

later we ran away
spilled words out on the street
like the vodka back inside
the truth something i wanted to say
wanted to know
if you're truly ok

YOLO or something like that..

Our goals in life change as we grow up, fact of life. But if we're supposed to live without regret then shouldn't we be aiming to achieve the goals we set out for ourselves as a little miniature version of ourselves? Does that little version of you regret the decisions you made to become the person you are today? It's impossible to live without regrets, because as we grow and change what we would once regret, we now see as an opportunity. But if we do something we'd once regret then does it count as a regret? Is it a good idea to dwell on the past? Will the future us be something the we in this time would regret? It's like a crazy meta cycle that's making my head hurt.

I think the little version of us would regret things we've done, even though who we are now doesn't regret it.
I don't know what that means.

But yeah.

parting the sea between the brightness and me

Hiding in a tree
from the world
and it's cruel reality;
you told me you loved me.
Word which tattooed themselves
to my disintegrating mind
inhabited by monsters
because this time I believed you,
and I knew I loved you too.

Such words brought a smoke
to kill the monsters I held inside-
we smiled as they chocked.
Then as you went away
the smoke started to fade
and then came demons who
swallowed happiness and spat out
an evil kind of doubt.

"the smoke will settle, the demons will come"

I think the reason people change is because our fears change. I'm not talking about those little irrational fears people have towards spiders, snakes ect, but those fears that kept us awake at night. The scary possibility the 5 year old version of ourselves lost sleep over, the ghosts that the little us was convinced inhabited the attic. But we reach an age when we realise that the monsters under our bed were never really there and for a few years we're fearless. But growing up, we're attacked by a new set of fears. Fears on steroids really. We fear what we know is real. Growing up, responsibility, ourselves. The monsters aren't under the bed any more, they're in our heads. Clichéd I know, but true. And once in our heads, these monsters are rather hard to get out. I think people change in accordance to their fears. We react in different ways to different insecurities. Some ways better than others. 

What Liars We Can Be

pretty little liar
what lovely words you weave
but will you ever tire
of hiding your little box of secrets

pretty little liar
carefully sewing your pretense
of false words and declarations
to give your world some sense

pretty little liar
what lies under your sleeve?
lines up your arm higher and higher
but do they make things real?

pretty little liar
swimming in sadness
can't you leave your sinking ship?
and stop weaving all this madness

pretty little liar
do you really wish to die?
such a selfish act
just to make true a lie.

"lost in all these city lights"

Here we go, round the prickly pear.

When-when do we start caring so much about how we look? About how flat your stomach is, how fat your thighs are, how pointy your nose is? When do we start caring about what others think? Whether what we're doing is cool, or uncool, whether or not we're impressing a certain someone. When does a person start hating themselves? Spontaneously feeling sad, overwhelmed by emotions. And why? Why is it people feel this way? What makes us naturally hate ourselves, or some part of us? Is it programmed in each person when they're born, to at some stage of your life become conscious by some "flaw" you believe you have. Or is it society-showing us what a perfect person should be like, but leaving out how exactly we're supposed to achieve perfection. Setting standards we can only try to reach through guesswork and the ambiguous words of magazine writers.

Maybe as we grow older, our perception of perfection becomes more refined- and we begin to judge ourselves more critically which can lead to a kind of hatred towards oneself. As we become more aware of those around us, we decided subconsciously who we want to be like as we grow up, but as we grow up maybe we realise that who we want to be is someone we can never be. Overwhelmed by failure, we pick out bits of who we are that aren't ideal to us. Some people take this failure more harshly than others.

"Show me what my dreams are made of"

things are getting pretty scary

and none of us believe in fairies

so hope is basically dead

only sad thoughts in our head

we passed the bottle round

and soon the night was filled with sound

of the sorrows of us all

one girl wanted to fall

down onto the tracks

no one to hold her back

another spoke of love

loving someone up above

up in france was he

she cried from behind a tree

another was confused

tired of being used

of hiding behind a mask

such a sad task

but he was feeling fine

but the whole time

faced with words of hate

but sadness they did not create

love was all he returned

to the girl who said she had burned

tiny holes into her skin

and desired to be thin

we're all a little fucked it seems

but atleast we have our dreams

of running far away

someday.

"keep my soul my head's not coming back"

Memories. They can break us. Change us. Make us question who we really are. Memories of a time where you were out of your mind- they're worst. Substances can reveal our inner thoughts, the monster of the person we really are. We voice exactly what we think- no filter to our thoughts. Remembering all that can be scary. What we said. Who heard us. It can destroy you. Knowing who we really are, and what we really feel-it's scary. Having memories of every dark thought that's ever featured in ones mind spoken by yourself; it makes that thought a whole lot more real. Makes it definite. Affirms just how fucked up we may be.

I'll show you mine, if you show me yours first.

You wear your mask,
and i wear mine.
Let's both pretend
that we're fine.

Fake a smile,
force a laugh,
and for a while,
things seem nice.

There's nothing deep-
Just friends.
Secrets to keep,
truths to avoid.

You can do this.
Maybe I can too.
That smile I miss-
Where did it go?

Stolen by sadness,
torn apart by anxiety.
The monsters orchestrating this madness-
Sinking us all.

In the end,
Will you be my friend?

Hopefully.

vomit.

Saviour-Vomit


"All the love in my heart can get fucked"
Yes please.

Falling in love. Why falling? "All you need is love" said The Beatles, so why is it that people are the world are constantly falling in love? Why? Because it's this beautiful emotion that brings out the worst in people. It makes us do stupid things. It reveals to ourselves our insecurities, our flaws. It attaches us to one person in a way that almost makes us dependant on them and their emotions. It's horrible. But it's true. Romeo and Juliet proved it along with every other romantic story/movie. Sure, we're all being brainwashed to think this love business is cute-cuddles at night, goodmorning texts. But truth is people get sick of people, people change- "nothing is permanent" said the Buddha and dear god he was right-and the giant amount of Buddhists in the world clearly show that. We fall in love, because the way love changes us leads to our fall. But in the long term, if two people were "meant to be" or whatever cliche you'd prefer to loose love can also make people happier than they've ever been. Then I guess the happier a person is, the further they fall when things become blue.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. Does teenage love classify as love? Buddha didn't have much to say about that-

"Hold us down like anchors, drown us out at sea"

These days it seems like we all have our anchors. We're all drowning because of some kind of sadness that clings to us like a disease. These anchors though, people need other peoples help to cut the anchors loose. But if everyone's sinking then how can we do that? How can we save eachother without saving ourselves first which we need the help of other people busy trying to save themselves. It's a really crazy vicious cycle and it's sad. Why? Why does this happen?

On the bright side, maybe if we all sink together-keeping up with the analogy- we can all party once we're underwater.

dead memories.

They say scars fade,
but memories don't.
That promise made-
doesn't mean I won't.

look at the stars, look how they shine for you

Stars. Whatever we do in life, all the stupid decisions we make, they're watching it all. I don't believe in god or a higher power or whatever, the stars probably aren't watching-but they're always there. A constant sparkle in the sky, a constant source of beauty in this crazy world of horrible things. They remind us of how insignificant we all really are in giant world and I think realisisng that can change the way you see things, just for a little while. It can make you happy-why bother being sad when there's this giant world out there to explore, and why bother being sad when the world has enough sad people facing life or death situations? But it can also make you sad. Why are you sad when you are living in luxury compared to people on the other side of the world? I can bring back painful memories, of things that happened underneath the stars. They could be happy memories, and longing for that same happiness can make you sad. Some envy the stars, why do they get to star up there, being all lovely when we're stuck down here in this crazy world? But who knows, maybe just maybe the stras have their pwn little problems and we're just as unlcuky as they are.

"there are ghosts in the walls and they crawl in your head through your ears"

Words hurt- regardless of whether they're said, or trapped behind the screen of a mobile phone. Once something been said, it's been said and it will forever haunt you. Like a shadow, some words follow you everywhere. Blast all the music you want, but the words once said have already crawled through your ear and permanently tattooed themselves in your mind. They say actions speak louder than worlds, and I guess we've all jut blindly followed that saying. It may be true, actions may speak louder than words, but they don't get rid of the words. Time will- Even then, 20 years down the track you might be staring out the window and like a ghost the words will crawl back into your mind again.

"you're my wonderwall"

From the start,
you slowly broke the cage 
that wrapped around my heart.


Now even the stars scream your name,
you're a shadow in my thoughts. 
Or maybe I'm just insane.


You saved me while I sank,
consumed by a deep blue.
But what was eating me
is now eating you. 


Now i don't know what to do,
but weave these words-
silly little words,
and tell you that I love you.

"I still press your letters to my lips"

Certain things bring up certain memories, and music is one of those memory-evoking things. Songs you loved in the past can bring up past memories, ideas ect. Listening to those songs again, you're kind of bombarded by those memories, and the person you were listening and basically obsessing over that song. It's sad really how fast things change, in what really is hardly time at all. What would the little me think of the me today? Will it always be something along the lines of (quote parkway drive once again god these people are philosophical) "what the fuck have I become?" (or as I would've said "what the fluff have I become"-too innocent to swear) as   we fall deeper into this ugly world. Or does it get better? Does growing up make us better people. From what we're taught to expect as kids, the answer is yes. But now this concept of "growing up" is one just flinging us all deeper into some hole and making us all the people we said we'd never be. Or maybe it's just me. 

Snuff-Slipknot. 

To get all personal and shit, this song reminds me of a time where I was innocent, and also a moment in my life where I swore I'd never become a certain person, and well sadly-that person is me now. 

for you, wrapped in blue

monsters in her mind
allergic to smoke
of the cigarette kind
watch as they choke


the words they would shout
now only rasps
of sadness and self doubt
but nothing lasts


Echoes of a happier girl
while roaming the city end to end
they watched as she would twirl
the gymnast, my friend


But alone she whispers "somethings wrong"
can't escape the blue
found no happiness in any song
no idea what to do


The monsters ate her dreams
ones of flying away from this place
that once stitched up the seams
stopped tears rolling down her face


Hey girl, go and cry 
for a long while
then stare at the sky
and simply smile.


Because one day you'll be up there
flying in a plane
Fulfilling the dreams many deemed insane


The monsters will be gone
lost in the clouds


You'll be ok. 

I looked at the stars and couldn't help but think of you, my dear

So I was walking my dog last night and one of the great things about where I live is that it's so isolated from the rest of the world that you can see the stars. And there are so many. Looking up into the stars, I couldn't help but think about how many other people where looking at the same stars as me, in some distant corner of the world. Maybe somewhere else there was a girl like me looking up at the same stars, but living in complete poverty. Maybe someone was dying, and those stars where the last thing they saw as they drifted into black. Maybe someone some on a romantic date with the one they love. So many possibilities that it made me feel so small and insignificant. There are so many people in this world, and they all have their own story. A story full of ups and downs, monsters and sunny days. What's hard to comprehend is that every one of those 7 billion stories out there are different. Seven billion stories are floating out there in the world, but what's kind of poetic is how they all float around under the same sky, the same stars. 

But what if these stories are already written, that no matter what we think we can't write our own stories? That we're all the puppets of a greater being with a warped sense of humour? That our life is scripted. 

It's kind of scary really. 

Then again what about life isn't scary?

"flowers that once made you smile have turned to stone"

Because it's human nature for people to screw up. It's human nature to feel sadness. So what happens when the person that keeps you happy isn't happy? You just feel doubly shit.

"And dear I feel that ship is sinking"

Doubt. Why is it that doubt in ourselves can bring us down, yet if someone out there doubts you- people tend to go out of their way to prove that person wrong. If anything another persons doubt in us can empower us to prove that person wrong. But there's also the chance for failure, in trying to prove someone wrong we by accident prove them right; which can send a person falling further into their already half-dug pit of self doubt.

Self doubt. It's a horrible thing to feel. You feel worthless. It screws with your mind. It sticks you on a little iceburg of isolation. You watch as you float away from those you love. As you drift away though, you don't realise that the people who are really there for you have swum round behind your iceburg and are basically just alot closer than you think.

But sometimes you don't turn around. Keeping up with this iceburg analogy-you don't realise anyone cares. So you do stupid things, like swim back the way you've drifted from, leaving the people you love behind you.

Basically, doubt is just one of those things that makes you do stupid things. But if you're lucky, it can also make you a stronger person. If you're unlucky then well it can just make you sad.

Romance Is Dead.

Oh fuck,
I'm stuck
Drowning in blue
Now what do I do

Truth is love sucks
A monster that mind fucks

I should've listened to Parkway Drive.

I really can't think of any cool song lyrics that relate to happiness but hi

I think one belief about happiness is that it can be attained through personal gain. I'm not sure if this is just human nature, or just a sign of how screwed up society is these days. There's the whole materialistic level of it- where people spend money to buy happiness, but I think there's also a deeper aspect to it all. People don't exactly "gain" babies, but they have them to be happy in a way. People enter into relationships-in a sense "gaining" a companion to bring happiness. Even helping others out has some kind of gain to it all- the admiration of others and if you look at it through religious eyes, you gain a place in heaven with whoever you believe in. But ones personal gain can also equate to another persons sadness. Or the personal gain can bring the person gaining stuff sadness. It's all one giant cycle, in a way an intense paradox. Then again life is just one giant paradox and I guess this is just a piece of it all.

Repeating gain all this time, gain is a really strange word.

I'm loosing my mind
But on the outside I seem fine
Inside I'm a mess
Outside, an average girl in a dress

You notice though
blue eyes staring into my soul
I watched the stars.
You noticed my scars

Angry red lines
drawn whilst I told you I was fine
But you found them.
I should've just said it was red pen.

Nostalgi.

So this song started playing on my ipod, and it's one of those songs I used to adore and play constantly to the extent where I just got sick of it. I haven't heard it for a long time, but hearing it several days ago brought back a flash flood of memories. Funny how a simple song can do things like that. It reminded me of a time where I was a completely different person. Everything was different. I was less melancholy, I hadn't meant many of the people who would change my life. I hadn't done many of the things I've done today. It's weird really-how easily people and events can shape you.

Doctor Suess was always one for the deep and meaningful

"A tree falls the way it leans, be careful which way you lean."
 So basically, it's our decisions that bring about our falls. Which is true- as you get older it's not the annoying kid next door that's going to "accidently" push you down the slide, you're gonna be the big kid and make you're own way down the slide. Our downfalls in life can be thrilling, like racing down a slippery dip. Once at the bottom, the fun stops though, and you have two decisions- either chill down in the dirt with all the other kids too chicken to conquer the slide, or climb back up and fall all over again.

Life is fall of failures, and mistakes that send us to the bluest of the blue but the falling process isn't too bad. I'm not too sure what I'm getting at here- basically something along the lines of life is something where we are constantly falling and getting back up again. No one can stay at the top forever. It's human nature (or atleast my nature) to feel compelled to take the risk and go down the slide. We can't stay sliding forever.

I'm not sure this makes any sense.
But yes.
My analogy on life

deep blue

People are all sad in some little way or another. Generally its people who make other people sad. But isolation from other people leaves a person feeling sad and alone regardless of how many cats they own.

I guess it's all just one big paradox really.

So basically, sadness is a monster you can't escape. You can either run from it-which you can only do for so long until it consumes you and you fall into a deep pit of blue-or tame it. Accept that sadness will always be lurking in the back of your mind and go on with living life.

Introducing The Selfish Machines

People confuse me. Our actions all seemed to be powered by selfish motives, and those who don't want to admit to their selfishness invented religion. Every now and then someone will do something seemingly selfless, but in the end they will receive some kind of personal gain, but does that make them selfish? Does the need for that metaphorical pat on the back make us selfish?

Selfishness is something looked down upon, rather hypocritically. We're all selfish.
Selfish machines, tearing out eachothers hearts in a quest to find out who we really are.

Does anyone really know who they are? We tell people what we want them to hear about us, giving ourselves a certain identity which may not truly be ours. But if we act the part for so long, you'd think we'd become the person we show ourselves as?

Even thinking about it all confuses me. But maybe it's just one of those things you shouldn't think of, like what will happen when the world runs out of nutella.

something which could loosely be described as poetry.

She's gone again,
Lost her mind.
Forgotten her worries.
They all floated away,
A sea of bodies

They moved as one;
Screaming,
Jumping
As one body, perspiring euphoria,
Dripping with ecstasy.
The real world seemed so far away.

Loud music,
pulsating like a heartbeat.
One heartbeat for one body,
made up of broken hearts and scarred wrists.
Mindless youth.

Broken hearted girl.
Nicotine in her veins.
Music flooding her ears.
She's gone.
Never wants to come back.

"in a city of devils we live"

I etched the face of a stopwatch, on the back of a raindrop

Turns out Alex Turner makes me insanely nostalgic. I got thinking, is there a syndromefor wearing some kind of metaphorical mask for so long, that the mask becomes you? Maybe pretending to be happy makes the sad people happier, or does it just make them feel more blue? 

Religion is for the lonely

Today I came to the conclusion that religion is for lonely people. People who believe in love but can't share it with anyone in their lives at the moment. It gives them someone to sing love songs to who will never turn them down or reject them. And for that I admire religion in a way. It gives these lonely people someone to love, who they know/believe will love them right back, and direct them also towards a better life and happier life. But like any kind of love, love makes you do stupid things, and voila we have crazy catholic fundamentalists burning science labs.

"say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in"

"I searched for you in the dark, but you were gone"

They're pulling me down again.

We all have our anchors. Things that hold us down, keep us awake late at night. Keep us from moving on. You could say hope is like an anchor-or false hope anyway. Hope keeps us waiting, waiting for that call, waiting for a sign that someone you lost still cares. It's this waiting that eats people up on the inside, and they know what it's doing to them, but so many people have told us all to never loose hope- so they keep hoping. Hope is the anchor.

 

"the only way you'll make me smile is if you cut me from ear to ear"

Happiness.
I went walking around an art gallery today and noticed something-the people being drawn or painted never look happy. Maybe this just all reflects my current state of mind but really when have you seen an artwork of a happy person? Like a truly happy person, not just some portrait of a person that may have an extremely large smile splashed across their face. Thinking about it all, the fact that there are no portraits of people who are truly happy is saying something-happiness really is an emotion that's hard to obtain, and even harder to capture on canvas. Even if the subject matter's smiling, doesn't mean they're happy. Anyone can smile. But just because you smile, doesn't automatically make you any happier. People use smiles as masks to their true emotions, to show the outside world that they're ok, while on the inside there may be sadness.

Thinking about it more though, drawing a simple smiley face on the corner of a page-the simple face looks genuinely happy. Which is funny because you'd think with all these artists, and their amazing skills they could capture someone emitting pure, radiant happiness. But no-a simple dot dot curve that a three year old could produce is what looks truly happy. Not a fake mask happy. Just happy. Maybe this all points to the fact that it's the simple things in life not crazy elaborate things that make us happy. A simple song, a hug between friends or just the way the sun shines down on you during a beautiful day can bring a true smile to even the saddest person. Not money, not fast cares and big houses. The simple things.

I was meant to make you smile, I was meant to make you shine

If you think about it, so many people in this world don't know how to take a compliment and it would be hypocritical of me to say I wasn't one of those people. We all know how to give a compliment, but not receive-which contradicts everything bout human nature if you think about it. Time and time we are told that we are takers not givers; we'd rather take the last piece of chocolate cake than give it to someone else. So why is it when it comes to being complimented on your looks, smarts, or your home-made chocolate cake we awkwardly reject any nice comment? You know the situation-"Wow your hair looks lovely today!", "what no way it looks terrible, nothing compared to your hair honey!"

You could say people are fishing for compliments, by rejecting compliments to prompt more compliments. Or maybe they genuinely think their hair looks crap, or that they completely fail at maths, and it's all rather sad- that life or this modern world has turned us all into people who think only negative thoughts about ourselves, and refuse to believe anything else.

"a paper plane is flying high"

I don't want to stay stuck in this small town. Stuck in this small world that has been created by the people here, who refuse to believe there is anything better out there. I want to get out, get away from this place. Get away from you, from you're crazy expectations of me and the way you attempt to dictate your life. You who said that my dreams would only stay dreams. I will prove you wrong. I will travel, and get out of here. Go to Sweden, I'll go everywhere. I don't want to live like you, stuck in a small world, with a small mind and no dreams of ever getting out. But I will get out, no matter what you believe.

I mean come on I already have $60 in my bank account, 2 dinners in Sweden already paid for. 

^_^

ambitions.

We all have our dreams, our ambitions. What we want to achieve in life. They say our dreams get more realistic as we grow older and face crushing realities such as the fact that Hogwarts is probably not real. But I've been told that my dreams, although do-able are just about as unachievable as getting to Hogwarts. And to all those people who laugh at my crazy dreams of just travelling, and travelling, and travelling. You're all quite sad. Shitting on other peoples dreams, just because you're not crazy enough to dream them yourself. A word to all you people, don't go around in life crapping on the ambitions and dreams of others, even if your own dreams were torn down as soon as you were set adrift in the wild ocean that is this world.

So there wasn't really a point to that. There's just a cool song I like called "Ambitions" by Dream on dreamer and it go me thinking.

"watch as the starts in the ocean become the stars in our eyes"

this world is a ocean of swimming faces going places

A recent trip to Thailand has really tripped me out on how many people there really are in this world. And overall just how large this world is. There are people everywhere, wherever you go. Most you see but don't give a second thought about-just another person doing what they can to survive in this crazy world just like the seven billion other people in the world. But seven billion is an overwhelmingly large number, and thinking about just how many people there are in this world makes me feel so tiny. Like I'm just one stitch in the massive tapestry that is this earth. That really nothing I do will have much effect. Sure my actions will ripple out and affect people but how many ripples can dropping a small pebble into an ocean cause. Airports are really where I witness how many people share the same planet as me; so many different faces, languages, cultures parading around even just the bathroom. The awkward people photo-bombing photographs you take anyway really, do you ever think about what they're doing at this exact moment? Are they on some flight to another corner of the world, asleep safely in their home, or amidst some life crisis?

I'm not sure where this is going, but it's leaving me with some feeling of insignificance, and a desire to show some kind of significance to this world.

just some wise words from a wise friend

"People generally don't like doing things in life that take effort, yet it is the things in life that take a lot of effort to do or achieve that we remember."

this modern glitch

Today it hit me how much of an effect technology has on this world, and more importantly relationships between people. With instant messaging, text messaging, and any other kind of media that can be used to send messages from one person to the other you can be whoever you want to be. The shy can sounds outgoing and crazy, the lovely people can be complete asses. Why? Because when you're not face to face with a person it's so much easier to say things, because you're not there to see their reaction, not there to see the hurt in their eyes. It's sad really, how much hate can be sent through text message yet when it comes to meeting people face to face it's like nothing has happened-the people involved are too scared to bring anything up.

So I guess we're all turning into cowards these days.