"I should of known the tides were getting higher"

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in life. That there's so much going on that it crushes you. So many teenage dramas, family dramas, so much drama that you just want to hide in your room and spend hours doing close to nothing-not talking to anyone. You loose yourself in this wave, forget who you are, and who you want to be in life. Thinking about who you want to be, does any of what happens in daily teenage life even matter? Why do we over-dramatize things that in 3 years time will be as forgotten as (hopefully) Justin Beiber will be.

could be the end of the world

it's nice to be alive.

Revelations of today. 

Up until today I feel that I've lived in a bubble about the horrible things that happen, and have happened in this world. About how cruel this world is-that the most beautiful people are the ones that suffer. And it all makes me want to shout out to the world and ask why. 

Why the hell did it take over 5 years for someone to notice that Germans were out abusing the rights of the Jews in ways that were beyond humane. How an entire nation saw one race as completely worthless. Not just a group of screwed up people, an entire nation. An entire nation thought it was alright to send other humans just like themselves into concentration camps and drive them into despair as they watch the people around them slowly disappear. 

Today, this man-Eddy- a Jew who survived the Holocaust talked to us about his experiences. I admire him. To face the horrors of his past, the horrors of surviving Nazi Germany possibly every day with talks such as the one he gave us much take a crapload of courage. To retell your own mothers death, how you were almost beaten to death, the deaths of your friends, being shot at, everything, everyday, and to be able to joke about it all takes a strong person. A strong person with a positive outlook on life. A beautiful person. 

For someone who has gone through so much, he was possibly on of the happiest people I have ever met. He was bouncing on the balls of his feet as he retold his stories which seemed so surreal- as though they were just being read from a story book. His experiences taught him to appreciate life, and in turn he's spread that message on. Seeing how easy it was to kill people, and how much of a struggle it was to survive of course this man knows that life is something that must be appreciated. Something that is not worthless, no matter who you are, or what you've done -which goes against everything the Nazi's did. 

To make this man even more of a beautiful person in my eyes, he told us all to "only dislike people, never hate anyone." And that's exactly what I'm going to try and do. Not to hate anyone, because it was hate that lead to the genocide of 6 million Jews. 

Hate.

Why is it that people hate so easily, but to love something is so hard?

Why?

this is the way I wanted to live, but you know I was scared of the world.

These past two days have been filled with revelations. Revelations about myself, and revelations about the different types of people in this world, and how screwed up some people are.

I'll start with me.

Yesterday I discovered just how little of my true self I let even those extremely close to me see. I can hide in my room all I want and tell myself I don't care about what other people think of me, but when faced with the possibility of being forced up onto a stage infront of your entire year group to dance- it turns out I really do care what people think of me. And if anything, it's sad.

An Indian man with cool shoes told us all that due to a fear of being judged, and a bunch of cruel words that may have been said to us during life as we grow older we build up barriers around who we really are - our "spirit". These walls limit our comfort zone- the places where we feel free to let our true self show.

Thinking about it all, I'm not even sure I have a comfort zone.

I hate talking about myself to other people, I rarely let people know how I really feel, deep and meaningful discussions about my life aren't really my piece of pie. So apparently, this just makes me a bad leader with no courage whatsoever. But seriously, who really does reveal their true selves to the rest of the world?

My experience is that telling people your secrets, is just going to end up with them talking about it all behind your back, it's just natural. Telling people what you're really like-for example with me, telling people casually that despite my apparently innocent appearance, I'm a fan of the crazy hardcore screamo music 99.99% of the world seem to hate-just ends up with people making false assumptions about who you really are.

I'm not crazy, emotionally challenges, depressed or suicidal. It's just good music. Yet the people who know this about me judge me, even if it's pointing to a chick with hair that only covers half her head decked out in black clothing with those scary platform shoes and saying "that's you in 5 years".

Whether it is, or it isn't, it still hurts- the fact that people stereotype me just because I fancy music that involves the occasional heavy bass-line and screaming male singer. But after yesterday, as hypocritical as it may seem I want to get to know others better- because it turns out, although many people seem okay, most of us are really not okay. And I want to change that. We're young, we should be able to screw things up in life and have someone that will always be there to listen to our problems and have our back.

Me in five years time brings me to my next point about life. This Indian with cool shoes asked us to reflect on what we were, what we are know, what we will become and how we want to be remembered in this world.

I was once confident with who I was, now I'm slightly scared of who I am in a way- I'm angry, I'm weird, not confident. What the hell would the little me think of me now-not much.

Quote Parkway Drive- "What the fuck have I become".
But hey, knowing me this is all one slightly large over-exaggeration.

In five years, I know where I want to end up. I want to help people, I want to travel, I want to experience different places and different cultures in the world. I want to run a marathon, I want to be an independent woman. I want to write for a music magazine. I want to change the world in some way. I want to fight poverty. I want to be apart of some kind of heavy rock band.

I want alot.

How I want to be remembered: I want to be remembered as an independent woman, that changed the world even if it was in a small way. I want to be someone who was always seen with a smile, someone that never gave up.

"I couldn't see a thing till I lost my sight"

Everyone sees the world differently, in different colours.

It's what makes life beautiful. It's also destructive- people trying to enforce the way they see the world onto others.